Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
