Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
