just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
