I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
