Yo dont text me then not text me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
