I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
