do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
