new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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