you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
