On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
