just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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