i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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