so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
