So drunk its hurt
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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