i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
