peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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