guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
