...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
