I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
