turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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