shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
