Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
