Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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