I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
