oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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