while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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