I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
