were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A+ Viking dick
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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