also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
