Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
