It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
