I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
