Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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