Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
