apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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