I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
