just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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