Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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