I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
