you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
