i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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