I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
