im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
