oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What drink are we having for lunch?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
