I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
