I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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