my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
