waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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