I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize