Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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