I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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