How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
