I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
