so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
