My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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