so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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