When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize