Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
