so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I understand Curling. That high.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
