just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
